Freeing Yourself from ‘What Could Have Been’

Written By Jennifer Liebel

One of the hardest parts of moving on from a relationship isn’t the person themselves — it’s the dream you built around them. It’s the version of them you thought they could become. It’s the future you pictured together. It’s the potential you believed in so deeply, you ignored the reality of who was in front of you.

The Weight of “What Could Be”

We often stay in relationships not because of how they are, but because of what we hope they could be. We hold on to potential like it’s a promise. We rewrite reality with “if onlys” and “somedays”:

  • If only they would heal, they’d finally love me the way I deserve.

  • Someday they’ll get it together, and then we’ll be happy.

  • I just need to be patient — their best self is coming.

But potential is not the same as partnership. You cannot build a life with a “maybe.”

Why It Hurts So Much

Letting go of the dream feels like losing twice:

  • You grieve the relationship as it was.

  • You grieve the relationship as you wished it could be.

This is why it feels so heavy. You’re not just letting go of a person — you’re letting go of an entire imagined life.

Accepting What Is

The turning point comes when you choose to see clearly:

  • Who they are right now is who they are.

  • Their potential is theirs to pursue — not yours to wait on.

  • Love is not a project. You cannot remodel a person into readiness.

Acceptance doesn’t mean you don’t care. It means you care enough for yourself to stop bargaining with a fantasy.

Releasing the Dream, Reclaiming Yourself

When you release the dream, you make space for something real. You reclaim the energy you poured into waiting, fixing, hoping, and redirect it toward yourself. That energy becomes:

  • Healing.

  • Rediscovery.

  • Building a future based not on someone else’s potential, but on your own.

Letting go doesn’t mean the dream was foolish. It means you’re brave enough to stop living in “maybe” and step fully into “now.”

✨ Closing thought: You deserve a love that exists today, not one that’s always promised for tomorrow.

Jennifer Liebel

I’m Jenny Liebel, founder of Heal, Not Deal, a space dedicated to supporting survivors of narcissistic abuse as they reclaim their voices, rebuild their confidence, and rediscover their sense of self.

After walking through my own experience with the Jekyll-and-Hyde reality of narcissistic relationships—where love is promised but control is delivered—I realized how deeply confusing, isolating, and damaging this cycle can be. Survivors are often left questioning their own worth, their memory of events, and even their ability to trust themselves. I created this community to change that.

My mission is to shine a light on the truth: narcissists cannot love others in the way we hope for, because their love is self-directed. They treat people as objects that serve their needs, not as equal partners. Understanding this reality is the first step toward freedom and healing.

Here, I share insights, resources, and encouragement for anyone ready to step out of the shadows of manipulation and into a healthier, more authentic life. Recovery isn’t just possible—it’s powerful. And you don’t have to walk through it alone.

Resources for Survivors

• National Domestic Violence Hotline – 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

• Psychology Today Therapist Finder

• Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (Melanie Tonia Evans)

• Books on Healing from Narcissistic Abuse

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