When Apologies Are a Lie

Written By Jenny Liebel

If you’ve ever been on the receiving end of a narcissist’s “apology,” you know it’s less about remorse and more about damage control. It’s not “I’m sorry I hurt you.” It’s “I’m sorry you noticed.”

And here’s the kicker: it’s never about you. It’s always about preserving their image, regaining control, or pulling you back into their orbit.

The Anatomy of a Narcissist’s “Sorry”

  • The Non-Apology Apology: “I’m sorry you feel that way.” Translation: I’m not wrong—you’re just sensitive.

  • The Conditional Apology: “I’m sorry, but if you hadn’t…” Translation: This is still your fault.

  • The Performative Apology: Tears, grand gestures, dramatic speeches. Translation: This is theater. Cue the standing ovation I think I deserve.

  • The Strategic Apology: Shows up when they sense you’re slipping away. Translation: Say just enough to reel you back in.

Why They Do It

Apologies require accountability, empathy, and change. A narcissist isn’t interested in any of those. They’re interested in control. The fake apology is their way of:

  • Resetting the power dynamic.

  • Avoiding consequences.

  • Keeping you questioning yourself.

It’s not closure—it’s bait.

How to Spot the Fakes

If the answer is yes, it’s not an apology—it’s manipulation in gift wrap.

  • Does the apology center them instead of you?

  • Is there a “but” attached?

  • Do their actions stay the same after the apology?

What Real Apologies Look Like

Just so we’re clear: real apologies are about repair. They sound like:

  • “I was wrong.”

  • “I understand how I hurt you.”

  • “Here’s what I’ll do differently.”

And—this is key—they follow with consistent change.

The Truth

A narcissist’s apology is a performance, not a promise. Don’t mistake the act for accountability. You don’t need their “sorry” to heal, move on, or validate your pain. Because the most powerful closure isn’t in their words—it’s in your choice to stop believing them.

Jenny Liebel

Jenny is a marketing leader, writer, entrepreneur, and advocate whose work bridges storytelling, healing, and human connection. With a career spanning global product and corporate marketing, she has built a reputation for translating complex ideas into authentic narratives that inspire trust, clarity, and growth.

As a survivor of domestic abuse, Jenny transformed her experience into purpose by founding Heal, Not Deal — a platform dedicated to helping survivors of emotional and narcissistic abuse heal, rebuild, and rediscover their sense of self. Through her writing, she offers insight, empathy, and hope to others reclaiming their lives after trauma. Jenny is also the Co-Founder of Alevra Aesthetics, a wellness-forward brand rooted in confidence, community, and self-care. Her work there reflects her belief that beauty and healing both begin from within.

Deeply connected to the Raleigh, North Carolina community, Jenny volunteers her time to support at-risk children, animal fostering, sustainability, gardening, and the arts. In every facet of her life — from entrepreneurship to advocacy — she leads with empathy, authenticity, and the conviction that true healing happens when we choose compassion, for ourselves and others.

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